I began this blog way back in December…and for the first couple of months; I would say I was pretty good about posting a fairly decent amount of output. Getting a new dog in February sort of distracted me, especially since I felt a little overwhelmed with all of the trials of making sure she was healthy and buying her food and chew toys, etc…and it sort of just drained me to the point where it became hard to focus on much else. That isn’t to say that I don’t love the dog, but on one level, having a dog that doesn’t have the capability of being left alone out of fear that she will destroy the apartment, not to mention won’t really take to being crated, has sort of left me feeling out of the loop in terms of being involved in a lot.
Last year, I had the privilege of performing in a friend’s play for a Theatre Festival but during that same time, I was also dealing with a lot of emotional stress as I was planning a move to a new apartment and then found out my then job would be ending due to the business closing…and it was a really mixed up affair because I obviously wanted the financial stability but at the same time, I HATED that job and was at a point where I simply couldn’t stand my boss and how she treated myself and her other employees. I basically stopped going on auditions around that time because I felt like my main job in life needed to be to find a steady day job so I could get my head above water again. Every interview I went on, and I probably only went on 7-8 out of several dozen applications I applied for, just seemed to go nowhere and it would get so incredibly frustrating that it was hard to remain positive about the whole thing.
I was so desperate that I had to do the very last thing that I wanted to do, which was return to my old UPS job which paid so little and was run with such horrific laissez-fairemanagement…on top of dealing with the general public…something I was DYING to get away from after doing it for over 5 years.
What I missed was working in an office, because there, I often felt like I only had to deal with a core group of people and there was a sense of sameness and routine that I craved. People would often wonder why I wanted that “same” feeling but frankly, I think due to the fact that I want to be an actor, I am sincerely not going to have that much passion for a job that isn’t related to the arts in any way…and I have managed to avoid being a waiter so I never really had that path to fall back on as many other actors do (and I do feel that it is the ideal in terms of flexibility).
Eventually, with the recommendation of one of my cast mates from the Shakespearean show I did early last year, I went into a Temp Agency and after a couple of months, I was eventually hired as Office Services Coordinator for a Private Investment company. In terms of pay, it wasn’t stellar but it was certainly much better than what I was making at UPS and was actually a little more than what I was making at the job I had just gotten laid off from.
So, for the past several months, I have sort of just been trying to maintain myself financially but it has been incredibly hard. Even before getting my dog, I feel like it was almost impossible to maintain a savings account and I felt like I was getting less of a chance to do what I wanted to do…and sure, I may have chosen not to audition (except for a couple of stray auditions here and there) but I also wasn’t seeing nearly as much theatre as I would’ve liked and it got to a point where that would both frustrate and depress me. It was just that feeling of “I am living in New York like I have always wanted to do, but I am not getting to be a part of or witness what I wanted to be here for”.
I eventually let my subscription to Backstage slip because it was hard to pay to renew it, plus I feel like I have become incredibly ill-prepared in that my headshots are not that good and I no longer have a wealth of monologues or songs at my disposal…and a lot of that costs money that I can’t really spare. So, in many ways, I have shut down…but I feel like I am getting to the point where I need to bounce back.
I need to try really hard to rebuild my repertoire and find a way to gain the money to get new headshots and renew my subscriptions to get audition notices. As it stands, I am 30 years old and I feel like that while on some level, a lot of my frustrations and lack of pursuing things have been valid, I also can’t deny that it is still something of an excuse towards being a lack of motivation.
While I certainly don’t dislike my current job, it also isn’t what I hope to be doing for several years, especially at the pay rate…and it has its occasional downsides like any day job does. I just feel like I need to try to force myself to do more but I’ve been having problems trying to find that spark to get me going.
Here’s hoping that in the time between now and 2020, that some big changes come my way…or at least that I am TRYING to pursue things rather than letting the parade pass me by…It is time to let Ephraim go.